Saturday, May 24, 2008

Snarky Saturday

If other bloggers can have their Smiley Saturdays then I'm having my very own Snarky Saturday!
Because I'm a crappy old cow, that's why!

Some ways to make me snarky are -
Wait until I've pulled the behemoth stove and oven apart for cleaning and I'm up to my armpits in your grotty meal leftovers and tell me you want to poach an egg.
Fine.
Go poach your freakin' egg up the black chooks bum.
Or starve quietly in the freakin' corner.
I don't care which, just leave me to my cleaning.

Try channel surfing through a gazillion channels and tell me there's nothing on and you're booooooooooored.
I'm mopping and vacuuming the floor.
Do I look freakin' bored?
Do I look like I'm about to break into a song and dance routine to entertain you?
Then how about you cure your boredom by mopping and vacuuming instead?!

Open the fridge door and stand there, staring into the cold innards for at least 10 mins, waiting for a ready prepared hot meal to jump out and bite you on the bum.
While it's 6 degrees and we have the heating going full roar.
Do I look like I freakin' need cooling off?
No?
Well at least I know how you got the freakin' pneumonia in the freakin' first place!

Hide your mountain of chocolate stash in your bedroom.
Don't share it with ANYONE.
Then work your way through my box of chocolate I got for Mother's Day.
See this Snarky old biatch?
Does she even remotely seem amused, in any freakin' bizarre shape or form?
No?
Excellent, at least I know your freakin' eyesight isn't going with your selective freakin' hearing!

I will do your laundry when I'm good and ready, NOT when you drag your clothing off your bedroom floor -where it's been impersonating a carpet for 3 weeks - and demand that I wash and iron it IMMEDIATELY.
Firstly, sunshine, I wash when I freakin' feel like it.
And I don't freakin' feel like it now.
This "iron" thing of which you speak is your property, not mine.
I have never sullied my freakin' mitts by touching the freakin' thing except with a freakin' great long barge-pole.
And I aint about to change the course of history.

Collect a pile of books beside your armchair.
Then replace them on the bookshelves wherever you freakin' feel like shoving them.
Totally ignore the simple system I have in place like putting all the same author together.
Or freakin' poetry books together.
Or all autobiographies together.
No, stuff that.
Shove 'em back wherever it takes your fancy.
Stick trilogies randomly in all the different bookcases.
Hell, really go to town and start stockpiling the freakin' books under your freakin' bed again and then send me around the freakin' bend by asking for the very freakin' titles you've shoved under there.
Oh yeah.
That'll push my freakin' buttons just that eeny weeny bit more.

And that, dear reader, is how my dear, darling Dad creates Snarky freakin' Saturday!!!

6 comments:

Brian Hughes said...

"And that, dear reader, is how my dear, darling Dad creates Snarky freakin' Saturday!!!"

And suddenly I start to understand why there's so many cheesed-off Australian feminists.

Jayne said...

LOL Brian.
He's a good lad, usually, is my Dad but he's been house-bound with the weather and thinks annoying the crap out of me is a great way to pass the time...boy is HE in for a steep learning curve! ;)

Peter said...

Hi! You are a saint! It's a wonder you didn't string him up on the Hills clothes hoist.

When my dad was living with us, he'd go around day and night asking if I have any dirty clothes for the washing. He was pretty good at that and a godsend.

Sometimes, unfortunately, he'd even come in when I was in the shower and in bed with the wife to ask the very same thing. Now, that really got my goat!

Take Care,
Peter

Jayne said...

LOL Peter!
The Hills hoist is too far down the backyard... ;)

Hilary said...

ROFLMAO!! I don't think you are a crappy old cow, Jayne. A crabby old cow, perhaps, but one of, you know, quality. And I'd be crabby too, and often am. That kind of thing so gets my goat and its so satisfying to rant like this. But I don't do it with quite such finesse. I usually start grinning when I'm trying to be angry and just can't think of the mot juste to round of that really pithy sentence I had going. It's good in my head though.

baby~amore' said...

Oh - I have snarky Saturdays but I try to see the upside on my blog LOL

I hope your week has been good so far.

ShareThis