Saturday, July 26, 2008

Things I Have Learnt This Week....

Because I smoke I'm a dipshit.
Yep, I know it's a bad habit but-
I don't drink - therefore I can't run amok in the city after dark and start brawls in/outside of nightclubs.
I don't drive - therefore I can't have road rage moments and cause accidents or mayhem.
I don't do (any other) drugs of any kind - therefore I can't run amok, destroy property, hurt others, rob shops/banks/people.
The last time I had sex some bloke called Armstrong was tap-dancing across the moon's surface.
And I don't injure wildlife or small fluffy animals.
If I didn't smoke I would implode through not having an evil vice and there would be brawls, accidents, mayhem,destruction, small fluffy animals running for the hills...but still no sex.
Unless Stephen Fry jumped the fence and that's as likely to happen as a snowflake surviving in Hell.
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 Xmas in July at the local RSL is a ripper night but be warned!
Age is, apparently, left at the door with streamers being flung, Tinnitus sufferers sharing their affliction with party whistles blown long and loud, party poppers blasting all night during all meal courses, carols sung on top note (with a few rude lyrics inserted as the beer quota increases) and decorations somehow finding their way onto cars parked out the front.
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If you stop consuming large amounts of cabbage soup, the methane gas quotient in your household drops.
And your offspring stop looking at you like you're unnatural.
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The potential son-in-law can multitask! Whilst playing pool he can-
Use his manners.
Joke with strangers.
Ask if others would like another lolly water (soft drink).
Hold a conversation with others.
And still win the game.
We might keep him....
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Edit- And now I'm happy as the aforementioned Mr Fry has updated his blog. 

14 comments:

This Devil's Workday said...

"If I didn't smoke I would implode through not having an evil vice"

It's interesting you say that because I think people pride themselves on their vices a little bit. Smokers don't seem to actually want to quit despite saying it so often. Being bad makes people feel good!

Gemisht said...

So what does that make me then???

I smoke. I drive. In Sydney. I drink but I'm too old to go and run amok in the city after drinking, straight home to bed with me :)

I don't do other drugs though and refuse to comment on the last time I had sex on the grounds that I may incriminate myself.

R.H. said...

You're getting spicey.

I'm slightly alarmed. But it's probably good to be forthright occasionally.

A woman told me the other day that a female friend had "jumped the fence". I had to ask what she meant, and it turns out the friend had left her husband to live with another woman. How startling.
Well I was amused, and rather touched, especially because she well knew I'd have to ask what "jumped the fence" meant.

Jayne said...

LOL Devil, oh I could be a whole lot badder if circumstances permitted ;)

LOL Gemisht!
We'll have to have a party sometime - though you can drink my share ;)

Fear not, Robert-my-lad, you're completely safe over the back fence...over which neither of us shall leap :P

Brian Hughes said...

"Because I smoke I'm a dipshit."

George Bernhard Shaw once said that he'd never met an interesting person who didn't smoke...or words to that effect. As a smoker myself, I'm inclined to agree with him.

The only reason why smokers run a twenty per cent higher chance of developing cancer than non-smokers (yes...it is only 20 per cent...being a smoker doesn't automatically mean you're going to burst out in tumours and explode on the bus) is because non-smokers don't survive long enough to develop such illnesses, dropping dead from stress in their forties instead.

(Sits back and waits for the anti-smoking fascists to start their usual stuck-in-the-box cat-a-wailing.)

Jayne said...

See? The stress alone would make me rampage, causing havoc and mayhem.
Then people would really have something to complain about!
This way, I'm doing them a community service by having a quick fag out the back ;)

Joh said...

I smoke too!! I agree with Brian, except I want quit sometimes... I have a couple of times.

Jayne said...

I've quit a few times, too, Joh, once for several years.
Brian does make sense at times ;)

historylover said...

Yes, I'm a dipshit too! i smoke, a lot. oh, and I drink, but only a few beers, nothing more, and I drive. not while I drink though. but that still makes me a triple threat. The only good thing is that I have had sex, otherwise I would probably smoke a lot more!

Bettina said...

You know what's pathetic? When ex smokers continue to hang with the smokers 'out the back' in the freezing cold despite not needing to cos it's absolutely true. Smokers are the more interesting people ;) lol

does quitting mean I'm not interesting anymore? *sob*

Jayne said...

LOL Historylover, so your sex life has saved your lungs and hip pocket? ;)

No, we still loves ya, Bettina...even when you post about your sinus' ;)

LiD said...

It is like a confessional in here...I can't believe you smoke Jayne. Shocking, simply...hey hang on...that's right, so do I. Damn. It is also nice to read Brian's stats...much cheerier than the usual government stuff - droning on about smokers being just so vile and bad and wicked and smelly and all evil things incarnate. I wanna give up though.

Jayne said...

LiD, I'm shocked!
LOL It is like a confessional, isn't it?
Brian's stats are quite welcome :)

Andrew Highriser, said...

Now it safe because everyone has read this and no one is visiting, you are disgusting Jayne. I can't believe that such a sensible and down to earth person would indulge in such a disgusting habit. Was this provoked by Daniel's very sensible anti smoking post? While I knew Brian indulged in the evil habit, I am so so surprised you do too. And THEN to hear LiD does too! Hope there aren't spelling errors in this post. I can't see so well. There is a blue haze in front of me. Mr P Jackson is responsible I think. So now we have established that all the interesting people smoke and outside at a party or venue is always the best place to be, no one take this as an endorsement for smoking. It is bad for you and your wallet/purse.

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