Monday, November 24, 2008

Ode to my stalker

Oh, my stalker, how do I love thee!
Your very presence makes my heart beat faster, my breath quicken and takes the edge from my urges to slice and dice carrots into itty bitty orange bits.
You are so predictable, my stalker; your spying on me and my blog excites me beyond your wildest hopes and dreams, and the lies you spread about me are just too, too wonderful to express!
Your private emails to people, slandering myself and others who you call "friend", are such fun to giggle over, my dearest!
My darling stalker, my world was bereft before you began your campaign of bullshit but now I can see how much I was lacking in my normal, daily life.
All those people who merely commented and emailed myself and others - you, my sweet, have managed to turn their heads and think badly of us all, thus freeing up our lives of shallow people.
Thank you!
The lies and libel and slander you magically pull from your arse are to be marvelled at, Blessed stalker, but your ability to pick the shallow people who believe your whims and fairytales is amazing!
I know you're reading this right now - oh, don't tease me by denying it - I know this ode is giving you as much pleasure as it's giving me, my precious stalker.
But, stalker petal, I may have to let your secret slip.
You see, you know who you are and I know who you are but it seems the Australian Federal Police want in on your action and they want to know who you are, too.
I'm often selfish, my sweet, sweet stalker but this time I might just share you with others.

16 comments:

Brian Hughes said...

I had a stalker once. He now eats me out of house and home and wakes me up every morning at 4 o'clock by meowing loudly in my lughole.

Jayne said...

Hope you knackered him, too, Brian.
Nothing worse than those kind of stalkers yowling loudly right under bedroom windows at night, bragging about their endowments ;)

Dina said...

I'm sorry you have a yucky stalker person in your life.

I hope they disappear.

Anja said...

'Cos you know it is actually YOU who is slandering her, and her friends will shake their heads in disbelief at how another party condones your slandering of she of the lily white conscience. Stuff that, Jayne. Feed its ass to the Feds.

It may be able to bullshit its way out of crap to some, but the Feds will sift through it all. It's about time the crazy cow had a reality check.

Jayne said...

They have been a source of great amusement, Dina, much to their horror ;)

But, Anja, it is blameless.....in a virtual reality!

Andrew said...

Sadly I have not received any emails about your awfulness.

Jayne said...

Drat, Hot Andrew, I'll have to email you my awfulness myself, then.
Hmph, unreliable stalkers!

Myst_72 said...

I had a phone stalker once - not the most fun I've had in my life.

Some peoples lives are just so pitifully shallow aren't they - oh and add gutless to that.

I hope you get this sorted out,

G
xxx

Marita said...

I'm very sad that I have not received any emails from said stalker. Makes me feel all left out and like the last kid chosen on team sports day. :: pout ::

Ah well I shall just have to make up to myself with a big pot of coffee and some chocolate. Oooh and some Stargate Atlantis because Rodney is HOT! Care to join me Jayne? Stalkers NOT invited. :)

miss diarist said...

Reading that Jayne, I wondered if you could get some form of police intervention. Glad to hear you are.

I'm sorry you have to suffer through all this. Venting is good.

jeanie said...

The best revenge on a stalker is to be so darned busy they have no time for their own lives.

Very sad that there is malice. Aren't there better things to do in life?

Jayne said...

This one is so shallow, G, it would drown in a thimble of oxygen ;)

Stargate?! Chocolate?! Abso-bloody-lutely, Marita!

You mean....I wasn't sincere enough to my stalker, MD ? Bugger :p

There are better things to do in life, Jeanie, such as poking fun at Madonna's skanky ass ;)

pure evyl said...

Give 'em hell Jayne.

Mistress B said...

ah Jayne, how I love thee..........

mwah

RVB said...

Stalkers are, frankly, retarded; and should be treated as such: with psychiatric care.

Jayne said...

With sharp pointy things, too,Evyl ? :P

LOL, B, Mwah back at ya ;)

Psych care or tar and feathers - either works for me, Reuben :P

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