Tuesday, December 30, 2008

The year 2008 is dead, long live the year 2009!

Tonight will see the last of 2008 and with it will go the last vestiges of giving a fuck for the MIL and the B-grade movie actor FIL.
Yep, you've probably all cringed at him in some god-awful dreck piece of shit film.
And to think they were a perfect match; the FIL with his head shoved so far up his acting arse he couldn't seem to remember he had a son...or a wife...or a reason not to screw yet another female... or any ability to act his way out of a wet paper bag, and the MIL so busy screwing her latest girlfriend she kept kicking her son out to the local boys' home.
Why, oh why did they ever split up?!

There's a shed-load of festivals, feast days and thingies to give you any old excuse to pop a cork, spark some fireworks and have inappropriate sex with your flatmate in the next 24 hours.
So....what are you waiting for?!
 
1790 The first grain harvest in starving Sydney consisted of 25 bushels of barley but the evil lush MIL fermented the whole lot and downed it via an IV line straight into her liver.
  
On the 6th day of Christmas my Truelove (Ian Roberts, Ian Roberts, Ian Roberts and, not to forget, Ian Roberts) gave to me -
Paris afflicted with poverty,
Nic-ole de-prived of Botox!
Madonna chained to her coffin, Tom Cruise on the Mothership, Jen permanently gagged and Angelina forever stuck up a gum tree.

1836 One of the few lasting myths/legends/fairy tales and/or bedtime stories was the Mahogany Ship, an ancient wreck found when some sealers pottered about near Port Fairy and found it snuggled in the sand dunes called The Hummocks (which sort of reminds me of my MIL...the sand dunes AND the wreck).

1838 David Jones was a chappie before he became a shop but on this day he opened his first retail store in Sydney.
Coz he'd no doubt clapped eyes on the MIL and ran screaming like a little girl from Melbourne.

1853 Sir George Grey finished up his first term as Governor of NZ by leaving The Shaky Isles when he'd heard the MIL had slipped her leash again.

1855 Governor of Victoria Sir Charles Hotham dropped off the perch in office when the MIL glared at him.

1857 The Yan Yean water supply to Melbourne was turned on....but not as turned on as Brumby was when he found something that made as much sense as his water supply plans...the MIL.

1879 Thomas Edison was showing off again when he demonstrated incandescent lighting in New Jersey which resulted in the MIL screeching, "I'm melting,".
We could only hope.

1887 Newcastle was running amok for the New Year when the steam tramway contraption began sliding all over the shop...run on hot air straight from the MIL.

1887 Ballarat wasn't going to be left behind Newcastle when Dobbin and the Gee-Gees began towing the tramways about the gold-strewn streets.
I'm sure that was my MIL's first job....though how they told one end of her from the other beats me....

1889 Former Premier of Victoria George Kerferd popped his clogs - the MIL was peeking out of her cage again.

1896 The 22 yr old occultist Aleister Crowley aka The Beast had an experience that changed his life forever -
he met the MIL and came to believe in the existence of evil creatures from the Underworld.

1895 The beginning of a severe drought was felt in Qld, South Oz and NSW with no relief in sight until 1903.
The MIL tends to be a savage lush on the scotch.

1902 The worst drought since European settlement in Oz had the MIL, demons and devils lashing the populace as it reached its Hellish peak.

1935 The most disgusting thing ever introduced to the Land of Oz was released on this day; the Cane Toad.
The MIL was the second most disgusting thing ever introduced to the Land of Oz.
I've been trying to vote her off for years but they're not taking my ballots....

1947 Wartime Commonwealth control of the production and marketing of eggs (always said pollies laid an egg or 3) was finally handed back to the state egg boards.
Although pollies still cackle loudly when they dump a bum nut on the public.

1947 The first Barossa Valley Wine Festival was held...well, I'm assuming it still went ahead even though the probability of the MIL having drained the vats dry was pretty high.

1947 The Golden Circle factory was set up as a place of sanctuary from my MIL by a co-op of pineapple growers who were really, really, REALLY tempted to give her the rough end of the pineapple....
We live in hope.

1984 Orana Park's Kiwi House was officially opened and it was blessed with the first Kiwi chick pupped in captivity 5 years later.Because they'd thoughfully shielded it from the gaze of the evil MIL.

Yes, yes, I'm probably going to be cursed by the family from hell for daring to hint at their dirty little secrets.
Roll on 2009 and a lovely fresh new year without any shreds of concern for the parasitic soul-sucking family from hell!
And, yes, I'm laughing  about this all, really!

19 comments:

Mistress B said...

So Jayne............ I'm getting the feeling that you may not like your MIL very much?............

lmao

There's a special place in hell for self absorbed twats like that I'm sure

Brian Hughes said...

It's not New Year's Eve until tomorrow round these parts. You haven't got the results of the British horse races have you, so I can put a bet on?

Widdle Shamrock said...

Just reading between the lines ... do you have issues with your MIL?

ELIZABETH said...

Anything more you need to get off you chest?
I'd send over Ian Roberts to make it all better but I have to go google him first.

Marita said...

Happy New Year, free of MIL and bullshit drama.

Frogdancer said...

This made me laugh a lot. There's obviously some advantages to being single....
I'd love to sit down with a coffee and hear the dirt!

Anja said...

So, this MIL of yours; bit of a slitch, methinks?

Oh, and just double checking, could you define "inappropriate sex"?

Ta muchly. :)

Jayne said...

Noooooo, B, I love her to bits and pieces...preferably in tiny itty bitty pieces, lol ;)

I'm seeing red silks, the number 5 and a bottle of champers, Brian.
Or that could be the local Chinese take away shop again :P

Nothing a good whip wouldn't fix, WS ;)

Ooooooo I'd have Ian Roberts on my chest any day of the week, Elizabeth!!! He's an ex-rugby player if you want to Google and drool ;)

Have a good one yourself, Marita :)

Ta, Kim, the dirt would take several cans of coffee to cover lol ;)

No, Anja, a whole lot more than a bit ;)
Inappropriate sex is not observing good occ.health and safety by hanging off the chandelier by only 1 leather strap instead of 2 per ankle.

RVB said...

2008 = VCE

2009 = Job

2010 = University

That's my plan anyway.

pure evyl said...

Have a Great New Year!!!

Andrew said...

Jayne, I got the mix of chemicals a bit wrong, like we don't want you in gaol, just for her to suffer a bit.

frogpondsrock said...

hehehehe my dreadful MIL lives in South Aus.. yay that is a zillion miles away from Tassie.. *Woot*

Happy New Year xoxox

Jayne said...

Woops, sorry Frogdancer got you mixed with Frogpondsrock. But the several cans of coffee comment still stands lol.

And a damn fine plan it is, too, Reuben!

Happy New 2009 Evyl :D !!

We can work on that in 2009, Happy New Year, Andrew ;)

Happy New Year, Kim, and, what do you mean you're not popping over the Strait to visit South Oz ? :P

JahTeh said...

There's a certain brownie I know who's a whizz with lighting black candles of doom for things like evil m-i-ls.

Don't you just love families? As if your own weren't bad enough we have to marry into another.

Good luck with offing her but pardon me if I knock back any mushrooms you're giving away.

Jayne said...

Oh, JahTeh!
I could never confuse you with the walking embodiment of Lord Voldemort!

Gemisht said...

Ummm forgive me for thinking that you have issues with your MIL?

All the very best to you and yours for the new year

And God help the gum tree with Angelina stuck up it, or more than likely the tree will enjoy it, what about the drop bears though???? :)

Lord Sedgwick said...

Merry gnu year, happy hewn ear, happy blue ire ... or some such words vaguely to that effect Jayne.

Lord Sedgwick said...

... and if you look out your window in less than half an hour that'd be me running naked along the Yarra bank .. chased by Andrew ... for no other reason than he wants me to put my cloths back on.

Jayne said...

Thanks, Gem. The drop bears moved out when they heard Angelina was in the neighbourhood ;)

Happy NY back at ya, Lord Sedgers!
Ahhh...I did wonder at Andrews purchase of sackcloth and ashes :P

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