Tuesday, January 13, 2009

False Witness.......

..........a review of a Brit/Oz large pile of steaming horse Crap.
And yes, it needed a capital C for Crap...in fact you cannot make the capital C big enough.
Whoever directed, edited and wrote this needs to be horse-whipped from Britain to Oz.
The stellar cast, who had pedigrees and enough acting ability to steam-roll Cate "I'm going to populate the world all on my own"  Blanchett at 100 paces, were left with muck sliding out of their hands no matter how hard they tried to salvage this shocker.
Note to director - when there's nothing happening on screen do NOT fill every scene with topless women. Even men started to make jokes about the over-abundance of naked flesh and lack of storyline/plot/anything that came within a bull's roar of making sense.
Another note to the tosser in charge - do NOT hammer a point home to your audience or, like we were able, they will accurately predict the outcome before halfway through the first part.
Flashbacks over and over and over and over and over again are just.So.Bloody.Annoying.
And come on ; 1 angry undercover agent + 1 dead son + 1 murdered wife = a  It's Going To End In Tears ending that Blind Freddy could see coming a mile off.
What was with the prostitute? A character that went nowhere, contributed nothing in the long run and was just another excuse to flash some flesh on screen.
The old guy with the car? Another character that was superfluous, a wasted opportunity, like pearls before swine, where the director could have explored the main character more but was Too.Lazy.
The prostitute's kid? Nope, another exercise in treading water and hoping no one will notice it was a space-filler.

But what pisses me off, apart from the fact that those are 4 hours of my life I'll never have back again, is that what let the whole thing down was simply pure laziness.
Laziness in attention to detail, laziness in tightening the script, laziness that painted the characters all 1 dimensional so that no one gave a fat rat's clacker if they lived or died and just plain laziness in expecting the excellent reputation of the cast to cover up the glaring fact that no one in charge gave a damn about the quality of the product.


  1. So tell us how you really feel. ;)

  2. I've only heard of it once before...and it was in an underground carpark.

  3. Lol, love the review Jayne. I am out of touch with the flicks at the moment, except for dear old Bazza's epic which doesn't really grab me. I am tempted to see The Curious Case of Benjamin Button for some reason even though I am sick of seeing Cate in everything.

  4. Oh, alright, Evyl, I'll stop beating around the bush :P

    That's far too good for this tripe, Reuben!

    Ooo, I want to see Benjamin Button too, LiD!
    False Witness is a UK & Oz collaboration telemovie that was advertised within an inch of its pathetic life on pay tv and shown on UKTV Sunday and Monday nights.

  5. "Whoever directed, edited and wrote this needs to be horse-whipped from Britain to Oz."

    Must have been a conservative M.P. then...they're into that sort of thing.

  6. LOL! Don't hold back now, make sure you get your point across :) I'll make sure I skip this one I think, I hate wasting time on crappy films. I am with LiD - BB interests me too.

  7. Better throw the fishnet stockings in, too, Brian.

    Yep, Rhubarb, BB appeals to the quirky side of me...which is all of me but that's beside the point ;)

  8. So Jayne...you didn't like it then??

  9. All, I have just finished baby sitting while Sister went to see Benjamin Button. Her opinion was overly long and depressing.

  10. I wouldn't say that, Moe...loathed it would be closer to the mark :P

    Oh, bugger, Andrew.
    I'm still not going to watch Australia though :P

  11. So you reckon I shouldn't watch it then? *ducks*