Thursday, May 7, 2009

Stuff you need to know before you set foot on Aussie soil......

1. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.

2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.

3. Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art
gallery there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage
sizzle.

4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a
media billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.

5. There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of
tomato sauce.

6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing
them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.

7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic
milk crate.

8. All our best heroes are losers.

9. The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from
the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.

10. It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.

11. A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine
example of Australian footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber
thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped.

12. It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard".
By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".

13. Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be
traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s,
and the development of a code of mutual aid, or mateship". Alternatively,
Australians may just be really hopeless with names.

14. The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to
himself, but to the mosquitoes.

15. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth
fixing.

16. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one
that has the swimming pool.

17. It's considered better to be down on your luck than up yourself.

18. The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the
family drinks too much.

19. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend
all night drinking the host's beer. (Don't worry, he'll have catered for
it).

20. If there's any sort of free event or party within a hundred
kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go.

21. The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take
everything you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car,
you're not trying.

22. Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your
front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or leaning
on the fence is acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what back- yards are
for.

23. The tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor.

24. On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus
grog battle that can only ever be solved by leaving the food behind.

9 comments:

Myst_72 said...

I'll be interested to read your non Aussie readers comments on this :)

G
xx

Andrew said...

Where did you dig this up from? Don't tell me you wrote it.

1. A variation on a theme.

2. Kinda true.

3.True

4. Kerry Packer or Reg Ansett.

5. Dated. Sweet chilli sauce can be added too.

6. Thieves have never worked this out really.

7. Especially good for viewing a Mardi Gras parade.

8. Sadly, seems true.

9. And also the one whose feet would raise to the highest level.

10. Can't disagree.

11. Hot guys in feet thongs can look........hot.

12. Many variations on bastard.

13. 'You did me bad mate', before you give him a .22 between the eyes.

14. I thought I could add some witty repartee to all points. Fail.

15. Panty hose are especially good replacements for fan belts. A pair of hose a week means no bloke would ever have to buy a fan belt.

16. Another dated one. They are water wasters.

17. If you are not up yourself, who can you be up?

18. Yeah. Problem?

19. If you take wine, you drink his best wine, not his beer.

20. When young, this is true.

21. Tweezers must be taken on a picnic in case a stray hair appears.

22. Never noticed this, but I get the point.

23. Thankfully we have many mayors and consequently many big roads and train lines.

24. The blokes give in and end up drinking warm beer.

Jayne said...

lol Aye, should be interesting to hear their take, G ;)

No, I shamelessly copied it from a friend on a message board forum, Andrew ;)
LOL Love your answers !

Dina said...

#13

I totally think it's about forgetting names.

Now I have to go back and read all of Andrew's responses.

Brian Hughes said...

"By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard"."

Over here we tend to call people we don't like 'Chum' or 'Pal'. Presumably this stems from our deeply rooted fear of dog food manufacturers.

Timespanner said...

"A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine example of Australian footwear."

Copied from earlier fine New Zealand footwear. (Pavlovas and jandals -- the debates continue ...) ;)

ELIZABETH said...

4- Wharfie..dock worker

5 - Tomato sauce ... ketchup

7 - that's universal

8 - How very Canadian

10 - How very Canadian although frying eggs on the sidewalk is right up there

11 - In my part of the county thongs are summer footwear

14 - I think we need to adopt this idea and in Northern Ontario add in deerflies

15 - Duct tape

22 - If you're from Italy or Portugal you can put lots of concrete statues in your front garden and grow grapes over the iron work on your front porch.

23 - Snow plows clear city councillors streets first

Best I can come up with.

Jayne said...

LOL Dina ;)

Beware of any Aussie offering you 'roo mince then, Brian, you'll end up barking ;)

LMAO Lisa!

#22 - yep, Greek or Italian grape vines and statues in this part of the world, Elizabeth lol ;)

Anja said...

Wow, that's so true and without Wikipedia!!!

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