Thursday, May 7, 2009

When Alan Brough got done by the Smart Bitches

Oh, look, tis my 800th post!
Anyway, moving right along to something of substance...I was listening to one of my fav Kiwis on the wireless the other day ..........>>>
Alan Brough
- whilst trying to peel vegies through the waterfall of tears of laughter as he was interviewing the Smart Bitches.
Coz the Smart Bitches have authored a book called "Beyond Heaving Bosoms; the Smart Bitches Guide to Romance Novels."
And I want.
(Mother's Day pressie perhaps, Tribe?)
Not that I read the trash (anymore) but these gals were just So.Damn.Funny!

*I must admit to reading these trashy books once upon a time to (ahem) divert my attention when engaging in marital relations with my ex. 
Fortunately he only took 3 pages so I was able to finish the book in peace*

There is a HUGE red censor's marker somewhere to cross through any anatomically correct word or bodily function so euphemisms have developed into a continent all their own.
And when Candy explained one description on-air...
"His ripe melon exploded within her"
....I'm sorry, I can't look at the green grocers stock at the moment, I turn into a hysterically cackling hag.
Then the fact time travellers/vampires/Werewolves/etc have made it into romance novels was also was the fact they'd actually read the romance book where a chick fell for a............
...................wait for it..............
What, was it something like "....he got all feathered up when he heard the unmistakable sounds of bran mash hitting the feed tray, knowing that any minute now his nubile new love would discover him in Were-Duck form.
Would she accept him or would she prove to be a poultry-minded bitch like the other fowl girls he'd dated and want him just for his down to refill their doonas?...."

So, go meet the Smart Bitches, they made my day in the interview and gave me more laughlines than the thought of Fabio slappin' the I Can't Believe It's Not Butter all over himself.


  1. What are blogs coming to? You with your exploding ripe melons and Brian with his violent secretions. Dear dear.

  2. "His ripe melon exploded within her"

    This would be rewritten by the censors as..

    " The personage of the male gender that possessed a corporate bodied sized vegetable consisting of mostly a the compound H2O had an unfortunate accident within a personage of the female gender"

    Damn this blog troll suit still isn't fitting properly too many warts on my nose maybe...

  3. Happy 800th post day Jayne! :) That is a gargantuan milestone. Ginormous too. The melon thing is a lovely image. It's about time melon had a male connotation.

  4. "his ripe melon exploded within her"
    Oh yuk. I won't be reading this.

  5. "His ripe melon exploded within her"

    Who said anything about it being a euphemism? There are some very strange practices out there.

  6. Nothing but sex, sex and more sex happenin' everywhere, Andrew.

    LMAO Liz.

    Thanks, LiD :)
    Yep, now it's Man-Melons!

    You're obviously not a regular bodice-ripper-reader, River?

    When they start packing oranges and lemons, Brian, I'm outta here!

  7. Nah. Forensic crime stuff. Kathy Reichs, Patricia Cornwell, Jonathon Kellerman. I like J.D.Robb as well, murder stories set in 2059. I do like some romance stories, Nora Roberts is a favourite author, (she writes as J.D.Robb), and I like Janet Evanovich's Stephanie Plum series. Tami Hoag, James Lee Burke, John Grisham, all favourites.