Thursday, February 4, 2010

Warning - following post is full of gross, ewwwwy, chunder-worthy stuff

OK, now that you've been sufficiently warned sit back grab a cuppa and enjoy.
Or not.

One nursing home I worked at admitted an old duck we'd often had in for respite care.
Now, there's a world of difference of info that the family give to those temporarily caring for their elderly loved one and those who have her 24/7 forever.
While the old girl had been in during respite there'd never been an issue with her many and varied visitors but once she lived there the whole sordid story came out; distant male rellie, slightly deranged who believed the old girl was Mother Earth and must be worshipped...and...and...*gag* mated with to continue the human race.
Yes, you may leave the room to chunder.
Please have one for me.
I'll refrain from sharing the really nitty gritty revolting details the family off-loaded to us, suffice to say the intervention order was happily extended to the elderly lady's new home and we were constantly monitoring her visitors forever after.

Drink enough coffee and you'll not only have the shakes but you'll have the shits.
Old fashioned coffee enemas were used to shift the most stubborn constipation as it's an excellent bowel irritant.
If we couldn't get it in one end, we'd get it in another.

Big FAIL to Woolies who claimed on the news they had equal pricing across their stores in all suburbs.
Nail polish clearance item in Oakleigh $2.80 while the Carnegie store has the very same clearance item but for $5.96.
By my reckoning that's more than DOUBLE the "clearance" price.

Leeches are big in medicine again as are maggots; ulcerated sores that fail to heal are soon cleaned up with a white little squirmy critter noming away at the dead flesh.
But still, that's no excuse for some nursing homes in the 90's to have residents with gangrenous feet being cleaned up by maggots.
Bucket thataway.............................>>>>>

If Metro doesn't get those air-con units operating properly it could be the end of the civilised world; in these muggy, humid conditions the air-con is the only thing standing between us and the foot-eating tinea fungus harvested by the great unwashed from taking over the world and leaving us all legless.

Then there was the bloke humping his missus in the bed on the maternity ward barely hours after she'd had a difficult delivery of their 77th sprog (or so it seemed).
He got quite mouthy at the nurses when they interrupted.

Mind you, he wasn't nearly as bad as the dirty old bastard in one nursing home who worked his way through all the chicky-babe residents who couldn't ambulate independently (that means run away).

Flo-bloody-Nightingale has a lot to answer for; first and foremost being the implementation of the frigging call bell for every patient.
If I heard one bell, I heard a bajillion of them.
No wonder we nurses suffer from Tinnitus (that's ringing in the ears for the more obtuse among you, what we call 'a pun').

Every hosp/nursing home seems to evolve an obligatory "Bowel Queen", usually a night nurse obsessed with the bowel habits of the patients/residents and who firmly believes that she, and ONLY she, is capable of shifting that backed up pile of shit.
But, you see, by the time the bowel prep works it is hours later usually on the morning shift after the patient/resident has been showered, dressed and settled for the day's activities when WHOOSH their arse explodes and shit really does hit the fan...and the floor, the walls, the bedside locker, the light switch and they get and extra 10 Brownie points if they manage to score the light over the back of the bed.
Bowel Queens...they really do give everyone the shits.

Princess Di's oh-so-wonderful 'colonic irrigation?
Garden variety bowel wash out (no, garden hoses are not the weapon of choice!).
Probably so she could say her shit didn't stink.

Yes, I care for my father at home.
I have done so for years.
Yes, he is doubly incontinent.
No, I'm not kind, caring and patient because I was trained as a nurse and the next person to make that claim will have the bed pan shoved up their date.
See? I'm all for the warm fuzzy stuff....just in very small doses and to those who deserve it *snort*.


  1. i didn't know you'd worked in a nursing home. I like that you're looking after your dad. That's so the bowel queens can't get their hands on him, right? Or possibly some of the randier old dears....

  2. LOL River.
    I worked in nursing homes, general and psych hospitals, maternity, theatre, recovery, allergy, etc.

  3. HOW did I not twig that you are a nurse before now????
    Hats off to you - I reckon its one of the hardest jobs there is!

  4. hahahaha, I cannot stop laughing... only because I can ..and only because you just know I have seen these things over the years!
    When I stop laughing I will return with a better comment :)

  5. okay the coffee enema made me go ewwww and the deranged man mating made me go ewwww. I know I was warned. On the upside the other ditty in the post below made me laugh and I had visions of a man with long hair to his knees...thanks for that lol

  6. It's the way I dress myself, Amanda :P

    I thought you'd enjoy it, Cazzie ;)

    You'll never have a latte in the same way again, Janine lol.

  7. Not fazed. I must have spent too much time with nurses in the past. Psych nurses are the best fun.

  8. Excellent, Andrew, you've got that already house-broken air about you ;)

  9. "Princess Di's oh-so-wonderful 'colonic irrigation?"

    I wonder which end they stuck it in.