Thursday, January 20, 2011

A shaggy spider story

So, there I am , pottering about the backyard after tea, digging up more yummy kipfler spuds, back filling the tubs, planting seeds and new seed-spuds and the whole she-bang while Feral kidlet is watering the vegie boxes and tubs for me.
As it's getting dark.
*cue scary music....or Jack Nicholson with a chainsaw, whichever is closest to hand*
Feral kidlet is almost done and about to go inside when I called him back to refill the watering can One.Last.Time. for me to water to new seeds into the tubs.
As it's getting darker.
Then hubby came out and uttered the most frightening words I could ever hear.....
"Hurry up or the Big Spiders will be out all along the pathway in a minute,"

When he says Big Spiders he's talking about massive probably-radiation-infected-by-a-mad-scientist mofo arachnids that scull a case of VB for breakfast, could benchpress a B-double and still shake the cats out of their hairy legs and plot to take over the world after lunch without bustin' a single thread on their webs.

So you can imagine the mind-numbing panic that set in.
As it's getting even darker.

Can I, I pondered, leap the bamboo fence down this end of the yard...?
No, cos there's too many over-hanging trees and the damn things have a network running through them that puts Telstra and the future NBN to shame.

Could I , I thought, carry a looong stick to break the webs before the hairy critters alight onto me?
No, cos their super-sonic spidey-senses could pick up cable TV and HD channels without an antenna or a paid up subscription leaving me with not a snowflakes hope in hell.

What if I....
Fuck it, I snatched up the seed packets, garden trowel and almost crawled under the over-hanging passionfruit vine to the back decking before the ever-helpful spouse announced,
"Oh, they're not out just yet. You've got heaps of time. They wait til it's completely dark."

Yeah, thanks for that.
I may appease the hairy arachnid gods by leaving them a large male sacrifice by their webs later on tonight.....

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rrsahm

11 comments:

Andrew said...

Spiders never used to worry me. Living in old houses, they came with the property. But now it is years since I have seen one indoors. I was well freaked out when one came out of my shoe a couple of days ago. Stupid spider. The flood waters won't rise up this high.

Peter said...

It's not the garden you have to worry about, just check your car sun visor next time...that's where huntsman love to lay in wait.

Take Care,
Peter

Kiwi Nomad 2008 said...

You just keep those Big Spiders safe on your side of the Tasman, ok?!

Debby said...

I'd be most concerned about the common dunny spider which hides beneath the rim of the loo waiting for the unwary hiney to get comfortable. They thrive on high humidity, and all the rain you folks have had will cause a real spider population explosion. They'll be everywhere! You can bet your bottom on it.

Debby said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Windsmoke. said...

Spiders don't eat much unlike the ones in the movie Eight Legged Freaks. Watch it if you dare because it'll keep you up all night and scare the pants off you to.

FOLKWAYS NOTEBOOK said...

Jayne -- Spiders? Big Ones? I wonder what kind? Maybe if you know the type you won't feel so threatened. In the mean time work only when it's full blast sunlight. -- barbara

Wanderlust said...

Peter is evil. As is your husband. This is the one thing I am *not* looking forward to about relocating.

JahTeh said...

Jayne, how wonderful am I for finding your next birthday gift on eBay, a 12 inch cast iron replica of a huntsman as a garden ornament.
I am so pleased with myself.

River said...

Send hubby or the Feral Kidlet ahead of you to clear the way. Then you can safely stroll inside at your leisure.

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