Thursday, April 14, 2011

So very fucking tired

Tonight I'm feeling more miserable, so very tired.
Dad is lapsing in and out of 'sleep' - not real unconsciousness but not real wakefulness.
He can't turn in bed anymore, we have to turn him through the night.
He's got a few 'spots' on his blue/black feet -feet which only turn pinkish when wrapped in blankets and stuck near a roaring gas heater - which match his blue fingertips.
Peripheral shutdown, I can only forestall it's onslaught for just so long, I'll never win the war.
I'm cross and frightened and angry and pissed off and bloody tired and all I want to do is climb up into my mummy's lap and have a cuddle but she's in ashes in a box sitting on top of the wardrobe in prime umpires position (could be the reason we have no sex life...maybe?).

Someone pointed out to me today I have not stopped grieving since 1998.
Mum died, then my son was diagnosed then I've been fighting for his things then my eyesight went bung and ta ta nursing career then other stuff happened followed by Feral kid's brain injury, my bloody Meniere's and now Dad is dropping off the perch.
I look back at who I was so long ago and I can't recognise that person.

I am so very fucking tired.

8 comments:

Ðéví said...

Life has thrown too much stuff your way. It's a shame we can't go throw eggs at Life's house to let it know enough is enough.
*hugs* I hope the rest of the palliative time involves a few moments worth smiling amount.

Andrew said...

Same here. I am so tired. I don't have any energy. Maybe I will be ok tomorrow. But I am not dealing with quarter of what of what you are. Sleep soundly, deal with what you have to tomorrow. No other option really. You are going through a process that many before you have done. It is not easy, but it is a natural thing.

ELIZABETH said...

HUGS

Janine said...

Blooming heck no wonder you are so tried since 98 you have dealt with a crap load of life events Ro. Andrew hit the nail on the head, in terms of trying to get some sleep and rest and deal with what you need to on Friday. Hugs xxoo

Windsmoke. said...

Remember happier times doing this will help you through the bad times :-).

peskypixies said...

dealing with this sort of crap day in,day out really takes it out of you.

sending lots of hugs and love

Kiwi Nomad 2008 said...

Like Elizabeth said. HUGS!

BUSH BABE said...

You are doing such a great thing for your Dad - and I reckon that wpi;d be worth the world to him. You've had a really tough run but you are doing amazing...
Hugs
BB

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