Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Dog of a life

The bitch has me by throat a lot these days.
The Black Dog, who is a snarling, ravenous bitch.
So much has she wormed into my brain I'm now riddled with doubts; doubt if I gave my Dad the excellent care everyone says I did, doubt if I've made the right decisions for my children, doubt about friendships or acquaintences, self-doubt and panic attacks over the most bizarre things.

There are days when I just want to sleep forever, there are nights on end where I get no sleep at all, other days I cannot stop bawling my eyes out til I look like some red-eyed demon, Hell there are days I could open a vein.
Sometimes, it's all just too painful.

14 comments:

The Elephant's Child said...

I am so so sorry. That dog pokes her bony vicious fingers into the eyes of so many wonderful people. And causes them self doubt that they would be able to dispell in others.

From the very little I have seen your black dog is lying through her green and scummy teeth. She does that.

What would help you now? Do you know? What would you suggest a friend who was being suffocated as you are? (Goodness there are a lot of synonyms for the destruction that is depression)

Kath said...

I hear you. I really, really do.

My own Black Dog has been visiting these past couple of weeks as I fight doubts about my value, my choices, my right to live how and where and the way that I do.

All I can tell you - and myself - is that it will pass. My father has struggled with it as well and he used to tell me that finding stepping stones would help his journey through the tunnel.

Those stones might just be a coffee you're going to have (and enjoy) in ten minutes' time, or that sitcom you recorded or even a sleep in on Saturday.

Pretty soon, those stones start connecting and there's less and less of the murk underneath to claw at your ankles as you move onwards and upwards.

Being kind to yourself helps too. I've had two coffees, a selfishly-long hot shower and am about to eat an entire block of Ritter Sport with espresso beans before taking my orange dog Milly for a walk.

E-Child is right. Black dogs lie.

Andrew said...

Yet by all your blog mates you are viewed as a high achiever. Don't be hard on yourself. There are always plenty of others to do that for you. Must be time for a visit to the D place.

Eccentricess said...

You took amazing care of your Dad. It must have been heartbreaking to watch such a gentleman fade away, knowing who he really was.
That would distort your view of how wonderful a daughter you were, because you know how upset he would have been if he could have seen himself. But you were there. You cared. You cleaned and you nagged and you loved and you rocked.
If I can be as good as you when my turn comes, my parents will be fortunate. *hugs*

Debby said...

You are not perfect, nor do you have to be. You are living in an imperfect world and doing the best that you can. Smack that dog with a newspaper, and tell him to go lie down in a corner.

If that doesn't work, however, you need to go talk to someone who knows about making a dog like that mind.

Depression sucks and I have dealt with it regularly in my own life. Right now, a little bit, even.

FruitCake said...

Jayne, I don't know you very well, but what I do know is that you are extremely passionate and easily outraged by injustice.
1.Therefore, You would have given yourself a swift kick up the khyber if you had not done your best any time it counted.
2.Nobody will ever judge you more harshly than you judge yourself. Back off.
3.I would NOT recommend you ring Jeff K for help - our mental health system is phuct enough without setting yourself up.
4. Take that dog for a walk and don't come back until he has had a big Rodney Hogg on the front lawn of someone irritating. Do NOT take a doo-doo bag with you - show that dog you know he is full of it, but will not take ANY crap from him under any circumstances.

Fenstar de Luxe said...

Big love & cuddles from me to you.
Please don't doubt yourself, you did your best and I'm sure that was more than enough gorgeous lady.
Shout out if you need anything, even if it's someone to talk to or shout at. Don't be shy :)

River said...

I wish I could help, is there anything I can do? I have no personal black dog experience, but I wish I knew how to help.
I agree with EC, your dog is a liar.

ELIZABETH said...

Hanky for the tears and a big hug because I care.

ELIZABETH said...

Hanky for the tears and a big hug because I care.

ELIZABETH said...

You got that twice. Must be because you truly are special.

Red Nomad OZ said...

Look at the balance of evidence AGAINST the stuff you're self-doubting about. So many of us couldn't possibly be wrong, right??

And Kath's cure (minus the orange dog) generally works a treat.

Janine said...

That dog needs to be put down. I get the doubts and at the moment its hard for you to see past the doubts. However reading these comments there is a common theme, which is your are loved and loveable.

Take sometime, do what you need to to get rid of the dog your cheerleaders (thats us) are here to support you and cheer you on.

Dont doubt yourself as we certainly dont and Andrew hit the nail on the head, your being too hard on yourself.

Hugs....xoxoxo

BUSH BABE said...

I think it happens to us all at some point. You've experienced a huge loss and are mourning. Be gentle on yourself. Glad to see (in subsequent posts) that you are partaking of some DIY therapy... make sure you get more help if you need it. It's the smart thing to do.
Hugs

BB

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