Thursday, June 25, 2009

Here I offend a bajillion people eating their lunch by talking shit

Dam Buster asked a serious question on his blog -
Say you were walking along on the way back to the office after lunch and you noticed an elderly (and possibly homeless) woman taking a dump in a laneway and her sheet of newspaper (toilet paper) blows away, what do you do?
  1. pick it up and hand it back;
  2. avert your eyes and keep walking;
  3. suggest to your workmate that he should pick the paper up and give it back; or
  4. any other suggestions?
This is not directed at Dam Buster but those tossers,turds and tools who think everyone should be drowned in Chanel No.5, wear 5 inch make-up and who freak at the slightest speck of dirt.

Now, I opted for handing her back the paper - what's the difference to handing a total stranger who has their strides down around their ankles some bog roll under the cubicle wall/door when asked, to handing some bog roll to a total stranger with their strides down around their ankles in the breezy brisk Winter air?
Ohhh, that's right - 'what the head doesn't see the heart doesn't fret over',  we've all been removed from the actual event and had it made clinical for us so it's a bit hard to cope with reality.
Yes, boys and girls, the other people in the public toilet cubicles aren't sitting there knitting jumpers - they're taking a dump or having a slash. 
The ex got all big-girls-blousy on me when some of our neighbours cows were having trouble birthing and I helped pull them out. The big He-man (who was scared of showering for days on end and, yes, his shit DID stink) was chundering in the paddock squealing about "filthy muck".
Cows were pissing and shitting all over the lean-to, the floor was awash with placental goop and I was literally up to my armpits in cows birth canals.
Ripe, earthy smelly bliss.
A lady got on the bus the other day as ripe as the outhouse after a big storm had filled the septic tank.
Judging by the constant smell it
A. wasn't a fart
and the bulge under her coat lead me to suspect
B. she had a full colostomy bag
She did her best to sit as far away from everyone but one 20-something professional twat did his best to sniff loudly and 'tut tut' in her direction.
Oh, dear, fragile petal wouldn't cope in a nursing home where people shit their dacks as fast as blink their eyes, greet you by sailing out of bed in the morning on a tide of stale urine and guess who gets to clean it all up?
Yep, the caring, sharing nurses who protect the rellies from having to deal with it themselves.
Don't you be 'ewwwww'ing at me - there's no difference to changing a baby's nappy or picking up your dog turds when out at the park or digging fertiliser into your garden or stepping into a cow pat.
What's the difference - it's all waste from the digestive system!
If you see someone in a pickle or smell something that's not been homogenised by the Nanny State, it won't hurt you.


  1. Jayne - There is a slight difference between turds. My favourite for shocker has to be either that from an Ibis or a herd of dairy cows.

    I must also state that my first reaction was to pick up and hand back the paper but I was too suprised by seeing the pants around her knees.

  2. My Dad had a colostomy bag for a while after he had a bowel tumour removed (well - actually an illeostomy bag to be correct).
    On his first night post surgery, he was fitted with a bag obviously designed for someone Much smaller ... and it burst.
    Dad was embarrassed enough without the hospital cleaner giving him grief about the "mess" (ummm lovey, when you went for a job as a cleaner in a hospital, what exactly did you think you'd get to clean????)

  3. Hand over the newspaper and then keep walking, give the lady her privacy.

    I'm facing needing to have a colostomy bag at some point down the track. Best not turn up my nose at my own future.

  4. I take it you get a lot of old biddies taking dumps down alleys in Oz? We have public lavatories over here to save them the embarassment.

    Now, the real question is, would you hand her back her sheet of newspaper if she was squatting down the eisle in the supermarket...somewhere near the fruit and veg stall? Personally I'd call social services...

  5. to be honest and I am being honest I dry reech at even a baby with a full nappy. Yes, I know its different when its ya own baby but until that happens my weak stomach will continue as it always has. Dont worry I still change the nappies lol cos there is no way I would let a baby walk/crawl round with a dirty one. As for the lady, hand her the paper and walk on.

  6. Thanks, Anja ;)

    Yes, I can imagine it would be a bit of a shock, DB. lol

    Hospital cleaners can be either fab or too too precious, Amanda ;)

    It's not always that bad, Marita (hugs).

    No, I'd raid the lav aisle and get her the proper soft stuff, Brian ;)
    Social services? LMFAO
    Sorry, that's a huge joke here in Oz.

    Honestly, Janine, some people are more suited to dealing with the crap, no need to feel bad ;)

  7. OOooo I love your button!

    You should put that in your side bar.

    Truth be told the chick in the ally needs it more than the one in the stall.

  8. Well said, Jayne. I'd probably hand the lady her newspaper, along with the travel pack of tissues I always carry.
    We get a few customers who are on the smelly side, mostly elderly, one who has some other kind of problem. I know it sounds awful, but we do back away a little and breathe as shallowly as possible.
    There was an incident I heard about a couple of years ago, where a drunk individual came into the store just before closing and dropped his pants in the aisle, leaving quite a large pile of poo surrounded by an even larger puddle of wee.

  9. Can I borrow the button??? I promise not to misuse it....

    As to the post subject, well I worked in a nursing home for a couple of years, and whilst it was in admin not nursing, the things you see/smell are quite the eye opener.
    I would have handed her the paper...either that or taken her home, fed her, let her have a shower and given her 50 bucks then sent her on her way...I'm a bit of a softy at heart {but don't tell anyone, i do have an image to uphold after all!!}

  10. Thanks, B lol.

    Oh dear, River.
    Did anyone succumb to the temptation to call "Clean up in aisle 3" ?

    Go for it, Mo, I found it as a freebie online somewhere and just saved it to my pics.