Monday, July 2, 2012

Boring Book Reviews

Dear newspaper book reviewer,
You do realise at least one of your devoted readers is parked on an exercise bike when reading your pages?
A most uncomfortable exercise bike at that.
So, you need to grab my attention with your opening sentence.
Think of me with lack of focus and concentration due to a severe case of exercise bike arse-fatigue demanding instant gratification.
I need to be entertained immediately or my eyes, they slide right across to the next review.
Can't stop 'em, they just do it of their own accord.
There they go again, slid right off this boring bit of text and started perusing the JB  HIFI ad sitting on the desk.
My point is, and I do have one despite ohhhh, shiny!
Anyway, I don't like the books you're reviewing as I haven't read the reviews in full because blah blah blah and bam, I'm gone.
I have a backside that is screaming more drama and pathos than what you're conveying to me in these reviews.
I can read the back of a cornflakes packet and find it interesting yet you're giving me nothing.
We shall be parting ways now, don't bother with a Christmas card.
She Indoors.

*This was sitting in my draft folder from a while ago so I thought I'd do a High Riser and publish it.


  1. Too many book reviews are ridiculously lavish in their praise just because the reviewer got a free copy. I haven't done many reviews -- but I like to think that the ones I give are at least honest.

    Don't bother reading mine, though -- you'd topple off that bike, snoring.

  2. LOL Lisa.
    This one (from memory) was trying too hard to be intellectual and psycho-analytical in the reviews instead of just saying "this was a good read" etc.

  3. Timespanner is right - I did book reviews for one publication and because the booksellers advertised with them, NONE of the reviews could be negative.

    I learned how to hint that the book was crap by just summing up the story and then saying, 'For readers of (insert topic here) - historical romance / murder investigations / intense self-reflective relationships'

    The other publication allowed me to give a true opinion and you can guess which one I really loved writing for - even got hate mail for my honesty!

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